I have had a couple melt downs over the last couple days. Melt downs over everything, I am finding it harder to maintain my composure, it is hard to live when you are constantly living on the edge of tears.
But today is a new day and the beginning of a new week.
I am determined to shake off this rut I have climbed into since last week. I am going to get healthy and I am going to get going. I am sick of being sick and sick of having people look at me with disapproving eyes. Starting this evening I am not making anymore excuses.
Now to watch the Golden Globes.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 9:
Today I had a flair up. People frustrated me. Immaturity frustrated me. My zen like attitude has gone the way of a deepening depression. This depression is coupled with a new semester, and being ill.
Maybe tomorrow I will awake with more zen, but for tonight it feels like all is lost.
Until next time fellow travellers
Maybe tomorrow I will awake with more zen, but for tonight it feels like all is lost.
Until next time fellow travellers
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 8: Not Feeling so Zen lately
Today is the 8th day of my experiment of being more zen-like and I have to admit I have most definitely fallen off the band wagon in the last couple days. In regards to eating, I have to say though I have stayed strong. Although I have indulged my coffee addiction once I have not eaten any meat and am extremely proud of keeping up my vegetarian regiment. I think in February I will work on cutting back on my sugar intake, although right now I am still enjoying the post Christmas goodies that are in my cupboard from home.
Where I have stumbled then is in the positive aspect. It has been a struggle. I got sick on Thursday, congested, coughing basically wanting to stay in bed. Which I have done since Thursday. But when you are sick I find it becomes so easy to fall into old habit and just try to comfort yourself that you forget about other goals and other ambitions. So I am still in bed right now, but I am looking on the bright side and blogging to keep myself focused.
There has also been a fair amount of drama in my life in the past couple days. I am at the point where it seems that I bring the drama to myself. I know it would be better for me to ignore things and let things roll of my back but lately I have been getting really worked up over little things.
Anxiety: the zen life's enemy
I have a really bad case of anxiety when it comes to so many things in my life. That is a main reason I started this project, I thought bring in the zen, get rid of the anxiety. I am starting to discover that this is not as easy as it sounds. I may be meditating and reading and eating the good life but inside my mind is still a jumble of every little anxiety. Anxiety about whether I am going to do well in classes, anxiety over keeping my house clean, anxiety over roommates and situations with roommates that are hard to handle. Needless to say I feel a lot of anxiety and I find it really hard to handle sometimes.
So I tend to retreat in times of high stress. I tend to fall ill (because my body doesn't handle high levels of stress well) and then retreat into my room and act as a hermit away from my friends while I try to figure things out. But the more I retreat, the more I get sick the more I miss and the more anxiety builds.
So I am starting to handle situations differently and that is going to be the biggest hurdle it overcome in this coming year. Instead of stewing I am facing things head on. I did that today for the first time, I approached a friend about something that had been on my mind. OK so I wasn't as forward as I should have been and I wasn't as clear as I should have been, but BABY steps people baby steps.
On a side note I have started listening to some new music and it is all very zen like.
Today's recommendations from one zen lifer to another: Mumford and Sons album "Sigh No More." An often array of different songs, lots of acoustic guitar and beautiful harmonies. Light a candle, close your eyes and pop it in. I promise it will help anxiety melt away.
Good luck on the journey and be in touch soon.
Where I have stumbled then is in the positive aspect. It has been a struggle. I got sick on Thursday, congested, coughing basically wanting to stay in bed. Which I have done since Thursday. But when you are sick I find it becomes so easy to fall into old habit and just try to comfort yourself that you forget about other goals and other ambitions. So I am still in bed right now, but I am looking on the bright side and blogging to keep myself focused.
There has also been a fair amount of drama in my life in the past couple days. I am at the point where it seems that I bring the drama to myself. I know it would be better for me to ignore things and let things roll of my back but lately I have been getting really worked up over little things.
Anxiety: the zen life's enemy
I have a really bad case of anxiety when it comes to so many things in my life. That is a main reason I started this project, I thought bring in the zen, get rid of the anxiety. I am starting to discover that this is not as easy as it sounds. I may be meditating and reading and eating the good life but inside my mind is still a jumble of every little anxiety. Anxiety about whether I am going to do well in classes, anxiety over keeping my house clean, anxiety over roommates and situations with roommates that are hard to handle. Needless to say I feel a lot of anxiety and I find it really hard to handle sometimes.
So I tend to retreat in times of high stress. I tend to fall ill (because my body doesn't handle high levels of stress well) and then retreat into my room and act as a hermit away from my friends while I try to figure things out. But the more I retreat, the more I get sick the more I miss and the more anxiety builds.
So I am starting to handle situations differently and that is going to be the biggest hurdle it overcome in this coming year. Instead of stewing I am facing things head on. I did that today for the first time, I approached a friend about something that had been on my mind. OK so I wasn't as forward as I should have been and I wasn't as clear as I should have been, but BABY steps people baby steps.
On a side note I have started listening to some new music and it is all very zen like.
Today's recommendations from one zen lifer to another: Mumford and Sons album "Sigh No More." An often array of different songs, lots of acoustic guitar and beautiful harmonies. Light a candle, close your eyes and pop it in. I promise it will help anxiety melt away.
Good luck on the journey and be in touch soon.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Just Getting Started
Well it is January 4th so I am onto my 4th day of living the zen life and I have to say while I have stuck to several of my new mantras I am slacking on a few. Today was my third vegetarian meal of the new year. I have now cooked broccoli and cheese lasagna, tofu and onions stif fry and tofu with green peppers in a chili sauce. I have to say for student life not only is tofu easy to cook with it, it is extremely affordable. I was able to buy a block of the medium-firm for only $.99 (thank you loblaws). All 3 meals have tasted great, had left overs for lunch the next day and left me feeling pretty proud of my cooking ability. Not eating meat has been a success so far.
I have started part of getting rid of the excess junk in my life by clean sweeping my room. I got rid of a big bag of garbage and was able to dust and sweep. In the month of January I am hoping to go through all my clothes and donate at least 1/4 of them to charity (because I have way more clothes than needed). I form strange attachments to my clothing so the rule to be applied is if I haven't worn it in the last year it has to go. Clothes are just clothes, emotional value should be tied to the actual memories, not the clothing that represents these memories. (I am still trying to convince myself of that) I am also hoping to clean under my bed, I know it sounds small but the size of the dust bunnies living under there is rather frightening. In order to deal with the mounting list of things I want to achieve in zen-ifying my room I have started burning more candles, a small step I know, but I have to say definitely worth it. There is something about candle light that brings your room a calmer glow. (Make sure you put your candles in a very visable spot, if not you might get caught up cleaning your closet like I do and forget about them, house fires=UNZEN)
Now about the whole only speaking kind words...I have to admit I am struggling. It is so easy, I find, to fall into the habit of being negative. Negativity is easy, it is easy to spread, it is easy to say and sometimes it feels down right great. This is going to be a large hurdle to over come. However, instead of complaining about how expensive my text books cost this semester, I am choosing to say that I am generally interested in reading almost all of them. (not necessarily the most positive comment but I am getting there.)
What about choosing to be happy? This seems pretty easy as well, I have found it isn't as such. I am making the choice to be happy but just like negativity it is easy to fall back into old habits. Making my decision to be happy a little bit easier right now happens to be the new and exciting relationship I have entered into and the great relationships I am fostering with old and new friends alike. A coffee date can do a lot more than caffinate you, it can energize a friendship. (Coffee is optional, I've been opting for tea)
So on the horizon possible roadblocks could be:
Until next time....
I have started part of getting rid of the excess junk in my life by clean sweeping my room. I got rid of a big bag of garbage and was able to dust and sweep. In the month of January I am hoping to go through all my clothes and donate at least 1/4 of them to charity (because I have way more clothes than needed). I form strange attachments to my clothing so the rule to be applied is if I haven't worn it in the last year it has to go. Clothes are just clothes, emotional value should be tied to the actual memories, not the clothing that represents these memories. (I am still trying to convince myself of that) I am also hoping to clean under my bed, I know it sounds small but the size of the dust bunnies living under there is rather frightening. In order to deal with the mounting list of things I want to achieve in zen-ifying my room I have started burning more candles, a small step I know, but I have to say definitely worth it. There is something about candle light that brings your room a calmer glow. (Make sure you put your candles in a very visable spot, if not you might get caught up cleaning your closet like I do and forget about them, house fires=UNZEN)
Now about the whole only speaking kind words...I have to admit I am struggling. It is so easy, I find, to fall into the habit of being negative. Negativity is easy, it is easy to spread, it is easy to say and sometimes it feels down right great. This is going to be a large hurdle to over come. However, instead of complaining about how expensive my text books cost this semester, I am choosing to say that I am generally interested in reading almost all of them. (not necessarily the most positive comment but I am getting there.)
What about choosing to be happy? This seems pretty easy as well, I have found it isn't as such. I am making the choice to be happy but just like negativity it is easy to fall back into old habits. Making my decision to be happy a little bit easier right now happens to be the new and exciting relationship I have entered into and the great relationships I am fostering with old and new friends alike. A coffee date can do a lot more than caffinate you, it can energize a friendship. (Coffee is optional, I've been opting for tea)
So on the horizon possible roadblocks could be:
- stressing about school, money
- roommates not cleaning up after themselves (I blame my mother for making me a neat freak)
- getting more sick (dealing with this arthritis thing really sucks)
- relationship issues
- work issues
- looking for a new place to live
Until next time....
The Beginning
Resolutions....
New Year's Resolutions....
2011 New Year's Resolutions....
OK let me start this blog by stating that I do not like resolutions, I never follow through with them and I end up coming to December more stressed, more frazzled and further away from any plan I made the previous January then when I started. So this is NOT a resolution. Instead, mainly for my own mental state, I will refer to it as my year of zen.
2010 marked a year of changes to be honest I really lost a lot of my mind. Let's play a quick game of catch up shall we. In 2010 I....
Then I came up with this idea of zen, living a more zen life. Sounds like a really hippy, tree hugging, dreadlocks wearing kind of thinking, I know, but follow me I promise it will start to make sense.
I always liked the sound of the word Zen, so I googled exactly what it meant, I got:
Helpful google, very helpful. I dug a little deeper, pulled out my old religion text book and looked under the Buddhist doctrines in hopes of finding out more information about this 'zen' word. I found that Zen Buddhism is a type of Buddhist doctrine. The word 'zen' simply means meditation. One who leads a zen life emphasizes wisdom in the attainment of enlightenment.
Now I am not exactly looking for enlightenment, but I am looking for a more wisdom filled, calmer life. I don't mean less busy by any means but I am looking to strip away the excess and live the simplest life (that a modern university student living in a large Canadian city) can.
This isn't something to take lightly but there are some steps I am going to take. These steps will be:
New Year's Resolutions....
2011 New Year's Resolutions....
OK let me start this blog by stating that I do not like resolutions, I never follow through with them and I end up coming to December more stressed, more frazzled and further away from any plan I made the previous January then when I started. So this is NOT a resolution. Instead, mainly for my own mental state, I will refer to it as my year of zen.
2010 marked a year of changes to be honest I really lost a lot of my mind. Let's play a quick game of catch up shall we. In 2010 I....
- Broke up with my long term boyfriend of 2 1/2 years
- moved in with 3 sorority sister's and one of their boyfriends
- found out I had a form of arthritis (I am 20 by the way)
- had my first migraine, then my second, then my third and well it goes on
- quit a job I thought I always wanted, lost a lot of friends because of it
- found myself generally unhappy with life
Then I came up with this idea of zen, living a more zen life. Sounds like a really hippy, tree hugging, dreadlocks wearing kind of thinking, I know, but follow me I promise it will start to make sense.
I always liked the sound of the word Zen, so I googled exactly what it meant, I got:
"Zen is a 1995 album recorded by French pop singer Zazie. It was her second studio album and was released on 7 January 1995"
Helpful google, very helpful. I dug a little deeper, pulled out my old religion text book and looked under the Buddhist doctrines in hopes of finding out more information about this 'zen' word. I found that Zen Buddhism is a type of Buddhist doctrine. The word 'zen' simply means meditation. One who leads a zen life emphasizes wisdom in the attainment of enlightenment.
Now I am not exactly looking for enlightenment, but I am looking for a more wisdom filled, calmer life. I don't mean less busy by any means but I am looking to strip away the excess and live the simplest life (that a modern university student living in a large Canadian city) can.
This isn't something to take lightly but there are some steps I am going to take. These steps will be:
- Cut meat out of my diet (I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and eat better food)
- Meditate more often
- Throw out junk, unused items, and donate old clothing (clutter in my life just clutters my mind)
- Take more time for me (between school, work, sorority life and keeping up with family this is going to be taxing but extremely important)
- Give thanks every day for the blessings I have
- Put out only positive vibes, say only positive things
- Go for more walks
- Drink more tea
- CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
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